An Ode To My Dear Friend Ryno (Jame Gumb)

For starters, here you go, buddy. Just for you.

For those unaware(s), (with an ’s’ as the British would have it), Ryno wrote up a faux interview with me over at ACB. I must say, I enjoyed it and found it very humorous. It can only be flattering when someone can recite so many of your creations line by line.

He touched on so many subjects:

– Maddog being a typical drug addict personality, in other words, a compulsive liar.

– My disdain for disrespectful statfags. You’ve got the smug moron faggots like Shawn D. Goldman and Faggous Maximus. You’ve got the malevolent, belligerent, juvenile faggots like Dylan and Tyger. And then you’ve simply got the conformed faggots at large like those at the Baseball Fag Factory. All these guys out there who think they’ve got baseball sorted out from stats. They don’t. They repudiated defense for years. But now that it’s become better quantified… meaning, now that there are good stats for it… the faggots have found value for it. Some of us didn’t need stats for that.

So many of these statties… a bunch of goddamn cotton-pickin’ faggots. A bunch of vegetarian feminists.

– Ryno quoted my finest moment at this blog, a moment of inspiration and poetic genius:

These dumbfucks may as well be playing Dungeons and Fucking Dragons with their fucking stats.

That line is the zenith for all of baseball blogging history. Who knows, maybe even Ryno might agree.

– He gave me a hard time over leadoff man and tried to paint me as a waffler on where the obp should be set. He actually missed the point in that post which was that teams with better leadoff men tend to succeed in the playoffs. And then, when I said the Red Sox were somewhat an exception this year because they have so many potent bats following the leadoff man, he had to be a pain in the ass and split hairs. He gets my point and probably agrees with it regardless of what he’ll admit around the statties.

– He made fun of me for saying the Cubs were going to lose the game after the Z/Barrett fight last year no matter what. Once again, while being funny, he missed the larger point. I knew we’d take off once we got dumbfuck Barrett off the fucking field and I was right. And then when we traded for Kendall for no good reason, I was right again when I said our success streak was over. Once again, if pressed to it, he’d admit I was right. C’mon Ryno, just fucking admit it.

– Some guys can pitch the ninth and some can’t. You’re goddamn right. He’s making fun of me on this one, successfully, despite the fact that he agrees with me. LaTroy should have been pulled from the role once it was apparent that he wasn’t up for it. Had we pulled the plug on that in 2004, we might have found ourselves in the playoffs.

– Most of the statties who talk shit at this blog are some of my most devoted readers. I don’t allow a lot of their comments anymore, but make no mistake about it, these cotton-pickin’ dildos read every word of this blog. Best Cubs blog on the internet. The only other one where you might learn about the team is JBrokaw’s site. But, he’s not exclusively a Cubs blog.

Ryno, c’mon, you forgot to make fun of me for JB. I’m disappointed. You’ve done it in the past.

– One of the worst, most idiotic faggots ever to taint the internet is this complete imbecile named Dan Fagborski of the Baseball Fag Factory. Imbecile doesn’t begin to do justice with this twat. He makes Maddog look honest. He makes Tyger look mannered. He makes Shawn D. Goldman look interesting. Fuck, he makes Faggous Maximus look masculine. The guy is never right about anything, but acts like he’s a fucking Nobel Laureate on baseball.

He had this picture of himself in his profile that made Elton John look attractive. He was dressed up in some gay ass papal looking number with the geekiest fucking smile you’ve ever seen. It was hideous.

Ryno, I think you could have done better with this one. You’re a clever bastard and it’s a fun subject. God knows I won’t be sporting any Catholic gear.

– Jeopardy. An unsophisticated dumb fucking hick like Tyger isn’t going to know many answers to Jeopardy questions. Most of these little college stathead fucks won’t either. While it’s not the SAT’s of sophistication and erudition, if you’ve got a person who knows a lot of the answers, it’s at least saying something.

I do applaud Ryno for making fun of me on this one. It’s funny.

– Ah yes. I love telling these hicks that they’re a bunch of slipknot-listening to, beer from the can, quasi-scientific feminists. Ryno loves it too. He honors me with his recitation.

Someone’s gotta call a spade a spade… or a know-it-all dumb fucking rube a dumb hick talking shit.

– ‘The most important things for a pitcher are innings and wins.’ I wouldn’t make that blanket a statement, but let’s take a look at our innings and wins leaders:

IP:

CC Sabathia
Roy Halladay
Johan Santana
Cole Hamels
Tim Lincecum
Brandon Webb
Cliff Lee
AJ Burnett
etc.

Wins:

Cliff Lee
Brandon Webb
Mike Mussina
Roy Halladay
Tim Lincecum
Daisuke Matsuzaka
AJ Burnett
Gavin Floyd

Looks pretty good to me. The three Cy Young guys, Webb, Lincecum, and Lee, find themselves on both lists.

* * *

Alas, Ryno, you lost me on the last one, the Marquis/Harden thing. And I think Zima fits the joke far better than Boon’s, don’t you?

Buddy, indeed, I was ‘dying laughing’ when I read the ‘interview’. Thank you. You spend more time at that site reciting me than anything else. I hate to disappoint you, but I won’t be providing much new material in the future. I’m pretty much over the blogging thing. I don’t have as much time lately, and when I do… I hate wasting it on fucking baseball.

I’m surprised I even took the time to do this one. But, you deserved a response. Your post was great.

Fairly soon, it’ll be ‘Goodbye Horses’ for me. Or, in other words, goodbye dumb hick faggot statheads who are good for nothing but talking shit.

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