Jim Hendry & Just How Stupid Most Bloggers Are…

So, just about everyone in Cubbyland is aware at this point that the guy from the Hire Jim Essian website recently attended a luncheon with Jim Hendry in attendance. Not only was there a general Q & A with our moron GM, but following the formal forum, the blogger was part of a group who had a more intimate exchange with Hendry. He did a nice job of reporting the occasion here. Let’s dissect the info.

– First, Hendry isn’t impressed with what our division rivals have done. Well Jim, you ought to be with Milwaukee. They’ve improved and are every bit our equal. They’ve made great improvements defensively with Cameron in center, Hall at third, and yes, as hard as it is to believe, even Kendall over Estrada at catcher. Plus, they’re going into ‘08 with a better bullpen including Gagne, Mota, Salomon Torres, David Riske, and more. They’ve got more depth so something should work out. Two solid bench guys in Craig Counsell and Gabe Kapler. Offensively, they’re better than us.

I don’t mind confidence from our GM, but I wouldn’t be any more impressed with anything the Cubs have done over the Brewers, Astros, and Reds.

– Apparently Jim Hendry made Mark Prior a very fair offer to stay and Prior turned it down. Fuck Prior and who cares. He never seemed like a champion to me. I’ve always supported Kerry Wood through his awful injury problems because Kerry has heart. Prior’s not the same.

– Speaking of Kerry, according to the article, Kid K handed Hendry a blank check for this season. Kerry Wood’s the shit.

– When asked why the Cubs haven’t been able to produce a hitter, Hendry mentioned Ryan Theriot, Felix Pie, and Geovany Soto. Theriot can hit… despite the Cubs, who did their best to ruin him by making him a switch hitter. The jury’s still out on Felix… and hopefully, Soto’s the real deal. The criticism remains, however, that the Cubs are unable to produce a big bat from the farm. (There will be more on Theriot in the second section of this article.)

– Hendry defended the Steve Trachsel acquisition, pointing out that Trax won 2 games for us down the stretch. I don’t believe the Trachsel signing was the worst thing in the world… but I side with most bloggers when it comes to feeling that Marshall got a raw deal last year.

– Hendry said Barrett could have stayed on at catcher if not for ’short-circuiting’. Jim, you fucking idiot… did you notice your record when you had solid defensive catchers? No, of course not. Just as you didn’t notice Kenny Lofton’s effect on the club in ‘03. In some ways, getting Kenny meant more than Aramis for that season. Your offense is generally as good as your leadoff man.

– Regarding character, Hendry said that Farnsy was too fond of ‘pussy and beer’ while hinting that he was on the juice. What a surprise. He also refers to Ohman as a knucklehead repeatedly. Nothing significant there.

– Hendry hints that Ronny Cedeno isn’t focused enough and was satisfied just to make it to the bigs. Well, how about the fact that he’s a moron at shortstop? Or maybe, he’ll swing at pitches 8 light-years off the plate, maybe? Even if a given player is without inspiration, he’s likely to have more baseball acumen than Ronny.

– There’s more Ryan Theriot to come… but Hendry loves Theriot… and rightfully so. You win when you have Ryan Theriot’s in key roles. Every World Series Winner has them. God knows Julio Lugo and Coco Crisp weren’t tearing it up at the plate…. but they were strong contributors to a championship club. 2006 – Eckstein. 2005 – Iguchi, Podsednick. 2004 – Pokey/Bellhorn. 2003 – A-Gone/Holly. 2002 – Eckstein. Winning clubs always have great supporting roles on them. Dumbfuck stat heads think you’re going to pile up Zorp 3.5’s at every position, then cry rivers when you don’t.

– Hendry pretty much copped to the fact that he got fleeced in the Jason Kendall trade. I accurately described the whole affair back in July. While all the other bloggers were applauding the trade, I knew it was a loser from day one. I knew Beane was taking advantage of Hendry’s irrational jonze for a new catcher.

– I’ve said for years that the Cubs fucked up LaTroy Hawkins’ career. Well, at least Hendry’s cops to it. It’s good that he takes responsibility. Some guys can’t pitch the ninth. LaTroy was signed to setup games in the 8th which he did for us flawlessly until forced into the closer position. So, instead of having a top setup man and an uncertain closer situation, we had shaky setup men and an awful closer. Fucking Dusty… dumbass.

The dumb Fire Jim Essian guy says ‘LaTroy is a fucking dipshit’ which makes him a dipshit. LaTroy was lights out for us as a setup man. If memory serves, the guy hardly let in a run the first month plus.

– I guess Hendry doesn’t have a high opinion of JJ Kid Dynamite at this point. Really, Jim? Well, what the fuck did you sign the guy for three years for then? I never wanted JJ on the team and I’m glad he’s off.

– Hendry mentions that Aramis isn’t very athletic, but he can hit baseball. It’s about accurate except for the fact that Aramis has become excellent defensively. I’m surprised the GM would sell him short for that. Aramis can’t run, and his minor injuries most likely stem from lack of athleticism, but he’s a damn solid third baseman. God knows this team went about 500 years without a third baseman until he arrived.

– I’m very happy to see Hendry stick up for Dempster. Cubs blog land is filled with so many idiots who treat Dempster like he’s fucking George Frazier. The guy’s had a pretty solid save percentage when we’ve been in it. Clap your fucking hands and quit talking shit. Piniella forces his bullpen to throw strikes… and that improved Dempster significantly. But, get ready for Ryan’s demise as he fancies himself a starter again. I hope he can become Woody Williams in his best days, but I’m not holding out for it.

What’s really sad about the Hire Jim Essian article… is that the guy’s so quick to talk shit about Hendry, but doesn’t even know the correct criticisms. We have a GM who never knew the importance of leadoff men… then discovered it, but signed fucking Juan Pierre… and then shot his entire financial wad on the unorthodox Alfonso Soriano.

Meanwhile, the idiot has no value for defense at catcher. Those two things alone should get a GM fired. But there’s more. Let’s turn Jim Thome away… who’s offering a hometown discount. Idiot. And we never have lefty bats. Hendry finally awoke to that one this year and has signed Fukudome. I hope he has a big year… as I’m excited to have the Japanese import in a Cubbie uniform.

One other thing… Jim Hendry… wake the fuck up and realize that Kenny’s always… ALWAYS in the goddamn playoffs. Just think, your team might have been in the playoffs more often if you had the kooky character on your team. In 2003, he was part of the triumvirate of Kenny/Moises/Wood that got us past Atlanta and onto the NLCS practically by themselves.

* * *

This next section is exclusively in honor of just how fucking stupid Cubs blog land is. At ACB, after insisting for eons that lineup construction doesn’t matter at all, dumbfuck Maddog devotes an entire post to how awful Piniella’s tentative lineup is. Am I missing something here? If something’s inconsequential, then why the emotion? Idiot.

Warp3. These wanna-be scientists… these cow-tipping, beer from the can, Slipknot disciples… these fucking idiots… I don’t even understand why they follow the sport or even discuss it anymore. They worship at the alter of Warp3. They’re so convinced of its power that they believe any player with a greater Warp3 than another player is the better player, period. Well, then why even watch? Why discuss the merits of various players. These dumbfucks’ discussions should really look like this:

In discussing potential center fielders, here’s a list of players in order of Warp3.

For bullpen help, here’s a list of trade targets or free agents in order of Warp3.

These dumbfucks wouldn’t know a good baseball player, (Ryan Theriot), from a bad one (Ronny Cedeno)… any more than they’d know the difference between a fucking Zima and a bottle of ‘88 Dom. These rejects aspire to be the Peter Sarsgaard character from Boys Don’t Cry. Dumb violent hicks with little else to do but talk shit.

Everyday, these dumbfucks whine and whine about Ryan Theriot, a good baseball player. They spend hours of their lives everyday bemoaning a guy with a steady glove, steady arm, steady bat, and sound plate judgement. It’s all these dumbfucks do. Now, they’re praying for Khalil Greene as if he’s a dramatic improvement.

These dumbfucks pray against having Brian Roberts on the team… heaven forbid we have a leadoff guy with an OBP over .350.

These stupid motherfuckers think the goal of baseball is to collect Warp3’s instead of wins.

For my readers, if you want a recommendation on the right blog to to learn baseball from, outside of this one, go visit JBrokaw. He and I are the only signs of hope in Cubs blog land… whereas the ACB/1060/BCB/ZORP FANATIC idiots couldn’t win a baseball game against a bunch of cows they tipped over.

Aw, what a fucking loss to see the tombstone over 1060West. Over there, you can cruise through the archives to learn that the Cubs haven’t won the world series in the last 7 years because of our payroll… despite a payroll above many of the world series winners. Or, you can learn that there’s no such thing as a good baseball player… only luck. It’s Gaius Ferryous and his Merry Roman Gladmen of Flaming Sticks. It’s Faggous Maximous, chief enabler CC DeBland… and Chewbacca, the lovely, (oh fuck, I can’t even remember his name).

* * *

I don’t know how much I’ll be able to write this summer. But, I do promise my readers that I’ll be pointing out the Cubs actual strengths and weaknesses… as opposed to esoteric, irrelevant, quasi-science DORK 3.3’s. These dumbfucks may as well be playing Dungeons and Fucking Dragons with their fucking stats.

In 2004, we needed a closer and a leadoff man. Last year, we needed defense at catcher and a leadoff man. 2008 is on its way…

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Tags: Chicago Cubs, jim hendry, stat heads

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